Woman sitting behind me to her friend: My mother, God! I can’t even explain to you how she can be. Jesus Christ could come down off the cross for her, walk into her living room, and she would say, “Jesus! You’re getting blood on the carpet!”

Alright, I expect some of you are thinking, What’s up with the password protected post?

When I first read about GBBMC 2008, I knew I had to participate. Not because I was part of the first one. Not because there’s some sort of prize. Not because I like to write about sex (in fact, I’m way outside my comfort zone in that respect). I knew I needed to be a part of GBBMC 2008 because of the cause.

And because of the story below.

Now, as for the super-secrecy, I apologize. The post shares a story that I’ve revealed to only two people in my life and even then, just in snippets. I’m not exactly anonymous here, and I don’t think that I’d want all the people I know in real life to stumble upon the story.

Plus knowing that people can read only if I let them means I can be more open and honest.

Makes sense?

If you want to read, please leave me a comment or email me and I’ll send you the password. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to make the story completely public. But for now, baby steps.

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Update: I’ve been informed that with the password protection on, there’s an issue leaving or viewing comments. Because the privacy settings are being such a pain in the ass, I’m going to leave the story public until the end of the month (I think I can cope for a couple of days). Sorry for all the inconvenience!

You could seduce me away from my boyfriend. Really, you could.

Even the most loving, committed, monogamous couples have those “fantasy freebies.” You know what I mean — the “I promise to be faithful and devoted to you unless I meet the following celebrities and they just happen to want to have sex with me . . .” list. It is a perfectly acceptable practice because your odds of being struck by lightning twice on the same day are exponentially better than your odds of ever meeting your fantasy freebie AND getting him/her into bed.

At least, that’s how it usually works.

But, you see, while the Captain’s selections might look something like this:

1. Julia Roberts
2. Angelina Jolie
3. that hot chick from that movie we saw a preview for once
4. the Coors twins
5. the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders

my list would not be made up of Hollywood leading men, Calvin Klein models, or rock stars. I would not be secretly lusting after People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I would not be wooed by fame, fortune, and cosmetically enhanced physical attractiveness.

No, my list would end up composed entirely of . . . bloggers.

For a long while, I was terribly disappointed that I would never run into any of my favorite bloggers in the grocery store, at a hockey game, or even at a popular local vacation spot. Only now am I beginning to comprehend just how fortunate that is. Because what attracts me to the opposite sex more than anything else is intelligence, humor, and eloquence.

If I met you (any one of my favorite male bloggers), I would instantly become a blushing ball of quirks. Your witty banter, while perhaps meant to put me at ease, would serve only to make me swoon. Your animated stories would cause me to melt. And each confidently uttered polysyllabic word would give me tingles.

Your command of language and extensive knowledge of grammatical rules would cause me to lose all reason and judgment. Your expansive vocabulary would have me completely mesmerized. With one well-placed comical anecdote, you would know I was captivated.

Wait, who’s that at the door? Why, it’s Opportunity!

You could totally seduce me away from my boyfriend.

Well . . . unless he starts blogging.

This post is part of the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign 2008, and is meant to generate donations for The Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN).

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Before I start sharing the stories of my adult years, let’s take a break to look at some numbers.

My current age: 27

# of guys I “went out” with: 2

# of guys I dated: 8

# of guys who didn’t make it past the first date: 3

# of guys weeded out after the second date: 2

# of guys who found it necessary to share stories of past lovers: 5

. . . firearms: 2

. . . his pet rat: 1

Age at which I acquired my first boyfriend: 13

# of “relationships” I’ve had (anything over a month long): 5

. . . that arguably meant anything to either party: 3

Shortest relationship: 3 months

Longest relationship: 5 years

# of guys I’ve kissed: 5

. . . with tongue: 4

. . . and meant it: 2

Age at which I had my first kiss: 18

# of guys I’ve “fooled around” with: 4

. . . and didn’t later regret it: 2

# of guys to “round all the bases,” if you will: 1

Age at which I lost my virginity: 24

# of novenas my mother said while desperately hoping I’d save myself for marriage: 9,735,256,001

# of days it took her to get over my corruption: 1

. . . and begin asking me for grandchildren: 1.0001

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DONATE TO RAINN HERE. And if you’re feeling especially generous, please mention the GBBMC:08 and my name & blog in the “donation in honor of” field. Thanks for your support!