Deep Breaths

I’m the kind of person that works well under pressure. The kind that as a student started huge research projects the weekend before their due dates, pulling adrenaline-fueled all nighters. The kind that thrives on challenges and too soon deadlines. Yet, there is a world of difference between the insane urgency that I’ve come to love and the everyday stress that sends me over the edge.

In my professional life, I’m always on top of things. I make stuff happen. I am a model of efficiency. But in my personal life? Here I sit in my room paralyzed while projects stack up around me. Appointment cards for the orthodontist spill out of my purse. Instructions from the vet litter my desk. Exercises I’ve never tried are posted on my bulletin board. Books I’ve started and forgotten pile on my shelves. Crumpled up drafts of blog posts are heaped in (and around) my wastepaper basket.

When’s the last time I called my sister? When’s the last time I went out with friends? When’s the last time I was able to breathe? Where the hell does my time go?

It shouldn’t be hard to focus my energy on a project. It shouldn’t be, but it is. The culprit, I suspect, is a fat manila folder on my printer. I’ve been avoiding that folder – for months now. Somehow in ignoring it, it has managed to become the center of attention. It is marked simply: WEDDING STUFF.

It’s amazing how fast you go from “Heh. The wedding is over a year away. We have plenty of time!” to “Oh shit. My first choice of photographer is already booked.” There are still so many decisions to be made – DJ, flowers, ceremony music, transportation, hairdresser, makeup, menus, invitations, cake, rings, favors, attendants . . . It’s overwhelming. For once, instead of jumping right in and checking off the boxes, I’m rendered incapable of doing anything at all.

I knew we should have eloped.