Archive for » February, 2009 «

Might Explain Why He Keeps Calling the Limo Our “Getaway Car”

Me: I think we should go somewhere exotic for our honeymoon. Someplace warm and relaxing where we can lay around on the beach . . .

Him: That sounds nice.

Me: My sister highly recommends that Mexican island she went to.

Him: I’m not going to Mexico. Anyway, I want to stay in the states.

Me (sighing): Fine. Saves me the trouble of getting a passport.

Him: What? How do you not have a passport? You have to get a passport.

Me: Why? You just said we’re staying in the states.

Him: You still need a passport.

Me: For what?

Him (very matter-of-factly): In case you need to flee the country.

As a Matter of Fact, Cats Can’t Tell Time

When the cats determine it is time for breakfast, Shelley sits outside our bedroom door and meows. (By the way, Shelley doesn’t have a sweet kitty meow like Bella. She has a deeper, I-smoke-three-packs-a-day meow.)

If I don’t jump up when I hear her meowing, she will meow and scratch at the bedroom door.

If I still do not appear, or if I yell, “Go away you little pain in the ass! It’s not time to eat!” Shelley will reach under the door, grab ahold of it, and shake the damn thing off its hinges.

At this point, there is no way in hell I’m still asleep.

Why she needs to do this at all is beyond me. I feed those cats every morning. Food is coming! I’m not going to forget. Pretty much every day, including weekends, there will be kibble in their bowls by 6:30am.

But lately Shelley has been very persistent with this door-shaking business. And the problem with that?

She does it at 4 freaken am.

At first I would just yell “No!” at her. (She pauses just long enough to see if you got up and then resumes being a bitch.) I tried opening the door and spraying her with water. (This doesn’t seem to bother her at all, and she will be banging again as soon as the door is shut.) I even put a plastic gate at the end of the hallway because Shelley is usually too lazy to move, less mind conquer obstacles. (But the next morning, there was Fat Ass, parked outside the door as usual.)

Right now I have dark circles under my eyes. Shelley is peacefully napping on top of the stereo.

I wonder how she’d like being an outdoor cat.

Cause, You Know, Children Are Unpredictable

The Captain keeps joking about having the cats be the flower girl and ring bearer at our wedding.

. . . Sometimes I’m not so sure he’s kidding.

Ten Reasons Why Cats Make Great Pets

10. No matter how crappy your day was or how long your ride home lasted, a purring cat in your lap instantly lowers your blood pressure.

9. They scratch your fiancĂ©’s hideous couch, even if not enough to destroy it.

8. You will never need to install a garbage disposal. The cats will graciously lick up any crumbs they can find in the sink.

7. If you own a cat and a laser pointer, it’s almost bearable to suffer without cable.

6. You don’t need to rely on an alarm clock. The cats will never let you sleep past their breakfast time. Ever.

5. They will attack any moving object in your house, which mean bugs and rodents have a very short life expectancy.

4. They will attack any moving object in your house, including yourself, which enhances your reflexes or forces you to learn to use ninja stealth.

3. Cats are skilled at creating confetti out of your toilet paper, perfect for use at parades and surprise parties.

2. You can wear dirty clothes and no one will ever know the difference because your clean clothes are covered in just as much cat hair.

1. Your cats love you. Sometimes.

In Retrospect, Not as Good an Idea as It Seemed Like at the Time

Shoveling the driveway in four inch heels in the dark because, “It will melt eventually” is not an acceptable answer.

Category: Random  4 Comments