Don’t Say Funny Things If You Don’t Want Them Subsequently Blogged
Him: Hi.
Me: Alright! I didn’t go to the gym today. I went to the mall.
I can’t possibly be scolded for this as the Captain knows well how much I hate the mall. Also, clearly I could never be trusted with government secrets.
Him: Oh?
Me: I was looking for a dress for your army prom thingy.
Yes, army prom. I swear that’s what it says on the tickets. Ok, maybe “military ball.” Whatever.
Him: And how’d you do?
Me: I came home with two books from Barnes & Noble . . . and no dress.
He shakes his head and walks away from me.
Hey, book shopping doesn’t require mirrors.
Me: Wait, but I didn’t mean to come home with books instead. I went to the mall with a very singular purpose. I parked right outside of Macy’s and went straight to the dress department. I tried a couple dresses on that were ok but I didn’t love. So then I tried JCPenney, which is apparently where all the ho dresses are. If you want to go clubbing and have sex in a dirty bathroom, shop at JCPenney. If you want to look nice and elegant, better stick to Macy’s.
Him: Ok . . .
Me: So on my way back to the other end of the mall I had to walk by the bookstore and I got distracted. I just wanted to see if they had this particular book, which they did. And then I had to get that book a friend . . . But anyway, I did find a dress . . . sorta. It’s red and pretty but very clingy. Very. So if I buy it, I can’t get it til closer to the ball, after I spend more time at the gym. Cause it fits ok now, but if I put on any weight in the next month, it’s not going to look good.
Him: I see.
Me: It clings to everything.
But in a sophisticated way!
Me: Honestly, I spent some time contemplating if I could even wear underwear. You could definitely see panty lines and I’m wearing pretty flimsy panties today.
Him: Go commando. It’s appropriate. It’s a military event.
His response was perfect.
I need to stop by JC Penney’s this afternoon. I’ve been wondering where to find a dress appropriate for dirty sex in a bathroom. Not my bathroom, of course.
So what books did you get? Were either of them about dirty sex?
Commando OR buy “magic knickers”! Seriously - they sell them in the UK so they are bound to have them in your neck of the woods. They’re kind of seamless and don’t show under really clingy clothes - quite slimming too:
http://www.bareessentials.co.uk/acatalog/copy_of_Magic.html
There just one problem with them though! They look like granny knickers - so if it’s gonna end in the bedroom - or the bathroom - whip them off first (in private) and pretend you were commando!
The man knows.
Funny thing is, when Katie says something funny or ridiculous or whatever, she immediately follows it with, “you’re going to blog this, aren’t you?” She knows, too.
Sizz, I’m too much of a prude to go panty-less.
Allison, seriously, who thinks, “You know, I really need a metallic orange mini-dress with a huge fake jewel between my boobs.”
Jewelz, I got two memoirs - why I’m like this by Cynthia Kaplan and Bitter Is the New Black by Jen Lancaster. I don’t know what either is specifically about (you know, beyond the author’s life), but memoirs are literary crack for me. I’m sure I’ll love them.
Jan, if I could find something seamless that DOESN’T look like granny pants, I’ll be in business.
Kevin, as soon as he made the commando comment I replied, “You know that’s so getting blogged, right?”
Well, he does have a point.