Clearly I’ve Been Living Under a Rock
You know the problem with having only guy friends? (Besides the fact that at inopportune times they feel the need to confess that at one point they really wanted to “get with you?”) Guy friends do not read hilarious memoirs by cute, ex-sorority girls, and therefore do not recommend such books to you.
This morning I finished reading Bitter Is the New Black by the delightfully snarky Jen Lancaster. She has officially replaced Augusten Burroughs as my favorite author. (Sorry, Augusten. I do love your books too.) I picked up Bright Lights, Big Ass and Such a Pretty Fat before withdrawal symptoms could set in.
While I do regret being friends with men who likely do not understand nor appreciate the literary value of these volumes, on the bright side, they won’t ask to borrow my copies! (I’m still waiting for my brother to return my Christopher Moore books. It’s been a couple years.)
Being the impulsive person I am, I very nearly emailed Ms. Lancaster. You know, just to tell her how awesome her book is like she isn’t aware of it. Then I reminded myself that the few times I’ve spoken with writers, I’ve made a complete ass of myself. So no “Hey, you write good!” email from me. (And, yes, I do know “good” is grammatically incorrect in that sentence.)
Anyway, as I can’t stand to think such an oversight could possibly occur again, please, if you think of any other amazing authors I may be missing out on, do tell!
Not Guilty
There are few things (short of nuclear holocaust) that are powerful enough to rouse me early on a Saturday morning. Fortunately love of my parents is one of those things.
That is precisely the reason why at 10:45am yesterday morning I was already showered, dressed, coiffed, made-up, and far from home standing on a train platform waiting for the 10:55 to Grand Central Station. My mother quietly bubbled with excitement behind me while my father, I expect, was surveying the grey New Haven skies and imagining the joys of walking around Manhattan in the rain.
Since realizing how easy it is to take a train into the city, “purchasing tickets to Broadway musicals” has been added to the list of “Stacey’s Impulsive Behaviors.” It’s an expensive habit, but no matter how I look at it, I just don’t see the downside. For example, when I failed to procure an anniversary gift for my parents by the day of their party, a few minutes online and I was all set. Now I’m the generous daughter providing them with a wonderful life experience instead of the dipshit that nearly forgot their anniversary because it took me two full weeks to realize it was August already.
Luckily the weather was considerably more pleasant in New York than it was in New Haven. Although humid, it was sunny, which meant that a.) we could walk to the theatre instead of having to pay for a cab and b.) we had the opportunity to look like idiots because both my mother and I were carrying umbrellas.
We didn’t even need to use our umbrellas as weapons because the streets were relatively empty compared to past visits when we could barely move for all the people on the sidewalk. My father pointed out the Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center, and Radio City Music Hall to my mother as we navigated our way to the theatre district. In no time we were outside the Ambassador Theatre, taking instructions from an usher who spoke some of the most garbled English I’ve ever heard.
“Peez arrrvywunn faaaarmmm a larrrrnn arrruuudd da teeeeatttta annn huvvv yeeerrrr tkttttttttz awrttt.”
“What did he say?” my mother asked.
“He said we need to form a line around the side of theatre over here and everyone needs to have their tickets in hand.” (I worked with preschoolers for two years. Bartenders are also good interpreters.)
I passed out tickets as we lined up.
“Stacey said not to look at the price on the tickets,” my mother told my father (something I warned her about several days ago when she watched me order Little Mermaid tickets for my sisters for their birthdays and saw the price on those). Of course, my father immediately looked.
“Is she insane?! Why do you let her waste her money like that?”
Fortunately, I missed this discussion. Probably because I was too worried about whether or not they’d like the show. I picked Chicago, which was one of their favorite movies for awhile. I was pretty sure my mom would love it, as she’s easy to please. Put anyone singing and dancing in front of her and she’s happy. My father is harder to gauge. However, if nothing else, I figured he’d enjoy it for the same reason I was convinced the Captain agreed to come along - to see women cavorting about the stage dressed like this:
What? It’s theatre. It’s classy.
I think everyone would have enjoyed the show much more if we hadn’t had to deal with the latecomers. About thirty or so minutes into the performance, half a dozen people showed up to try to slip into the row in front of us and four more needed to squeeze into the middle of our row. This caused a great deal of standing and shuffling in both rows, meaning that a hell of a lot of people missed a couple minutes of the show. My mother told one of the tardy theatregoers, “Next time try to be on time.”
“Our bus was late, thanks very much,” the woman snapped at her.
My mother was wholly unsympathetic. “We came from out of state, and we got here on time,” she ranted to me during intermission.
When one of the latecomers returned from intermission ten minutes into Act II, forcing the row in front of us to do the stand and shuffle AGAIN, I thought we may have to bail my mother out of prison. (I don’t think the “It was a murder, but not a crime” defense works in the real world.)
Not that I blame her. Had I been in charge, I’d have a strict policy on late seating: If you dare show up L-A-T-E, you are S.O.L.
Punctuality-challenged people aside, I think my parents really liked the show. After all, my mother thanked me for bringing her almost as many times as she complained about how rude New Yorkers are. (It was a lot of thank yous.)
Afterwards, walking back to the train station, I had an epiphany. “Hey, I’m already wearing black underwear! If we just find me a bowler hat, I could perform one of those numbers.” (Yes, I announced this in front of my parents. I suffer from doesn’t-think-before-she-speaks disease.)
Everyone stared. Finally the Captain piped up, “Please do.”
Just in case that precious moment wasn’t excitement enough, when we reached track 27, we discovered that our train (or something under it) was smoking badly.
As I watched them evacuate the cars I suggested, “Let’s go to track 21.”
“Doesn’t that train leave a half hour later?” my father complained.
“Yes, but it’s not on fire. I think that’s an improvement.”
Just as we reached track 21 and wondered if the empty train could possibly be the one we’d be taking, we heard an announcement that the 5:07 was switched to our track. Score! We were the first ones on the train and secured a section of seats that faced each other so we could all talk amongst ourselves on the way back. This turned out to be a very bad plan when the topics my mother chose included, again, the rudeness of New Yorkers, followed by stories of how I couldn’t wear diapers as a baby because they’d cause my ass to crack, peel, and bleed. I’m sure the Captain was captivated by such tales. I’m hoping my mother’s anecdotes were drowned out by the big mouth of little Julio, who sat several seats behind us. The child had such a set of lungs on him that even as he screamed, “Bridgeport! Look, Bridgeport!” I’m sure they could still hear him in Harlem. (He did eventually get quiet, which my mother informed me was because his mom fell asleep and he was busy poking her eyes.)
And so we made it to NYC and back without serious incident (only a few minor confrontations and a possible train fire - totally not our fault). I call that a successful venture.
Bare
Dear naked woman at the gym,
I can’t help but notice that all of the three times I’ve run into you, you’ve been naked. Yes, I realize that every time I’ve seen you we’ve been in the locker room, but still, you don’t find it odd that I’ve never seen you in a stitch of clothing?
I am also perceptive enough to have picked up on the fact that no matter how many other ladies are in the locker room, you choose to speak to me. The first time it was just us, so I didn’t think anything of it. But the last two times? There were other strangers to chat with. What’s up with that?
It could be because the last two times our lockers were practically next to each other. Do you recognize my green lock? Or do you always use the same locker and I’ve unwittingly picked your area both those times? I’ve started using the lockers on the other side of the room now. No offense. Just giving you space.
I have to admit I’m still confused by our last conversation. You said that normally you’d be wearing a bathing suit (I’ve never witnessed you in said suit, by the way), but the pool was closed. Ok . . . so why does the pool being off-limits necessitate nudity? Did you not bring any other exercise clothes? And what fitness routine did you plan to do in your disrobed state? Are you coming on to me, naked woman? I’m all for naked exercise, but in the privacy of my own home . . . with my boyfriend.
I want you to know that I do appreciate that you’re trying so hard to get my attention, but I’m not really ready to follow you back to your colony. Please understand. It’s not you, it’s me. I like pants.
Sincerely,
Stacey
Reunion
“Stacey - Hi. I am bad at these yearbook writing things and that sucks cause reading this is how you’ll remember me. I wish I learned to write better in UCONN English. Oh well, maybe college. But it’s been great knowing you for 4 years. You’ve always been a good friend and I will always remember you. I wish you luck in everything forever and ever. C-ya.”
Oh yes, it’s that dreaded time. I just got an invitation to my ten year reunion. Ack! When did I get so damn old?
“Stacey - Thanks for helping me get a good grade on our project. The best of luck to you in the future.”
No wonder I’m suddenly picking up all these friends on Facebook. And here I thought I miraculously got popular.
“Stacey - Calculus is over forever! Have a great time in college, but don’t forget to study - right?”
Seriously, am I even going to remember these people? It’s not like I had a huge social circle in high school. Would any of them remember me?
“Stacey: Are you sure Karl wouldn’t be a great mate? Think of the offspring! I’d love to teach them! I can only hope you both enjoyed yourself and took some Spanish out of here (B217). The best to you in what you’re about to make happen.”
Oh God, do the teachers come to these things? They must all expect me to be running some Fortune 500 company by now. Dammit. Why couldn’t I have invented MySpace?
“Stacey, remember, life doesn’t stop after high school. Keep it up . . . you’re gonna be somebody.”
Wait a minute. I hated high school. Everyone thought I was the biggest geek ever. Even my friends thought I was a dork. I had to go to the junior prom with our neighbor’s son. I didn’t find a date to the senior semiformal. High school was one of the worst experiences of my life.
“Stacey, hey, you were allway a cool chic. I’ll always look to you! You’re an awsome student! Good Luck in college, even though you don’t need it.”
What if I’m attacked by an assassin by my old locker and have to kill him with a pen? Just cause I saw it in a movie doesn’t mean I’m prepared for it. And you can never be too careful.
“Stacey, I will not trade report cards with you, I don’t care if you beg me!”
Is there a real reason to go to these things? Besides wanting to see if the cheerleaders got fat? Will there be an open bar?
“Stacey - Congratulations - you made it. I wish you the best of luck in all that you do forever. Always be yourself and success is sure to find you. St. Joe’s is waiting for you - hopefully it will still be standing when you leave!!!”
Well, if high school reunions are anything like yearbook messages, everyone will be all nostalgic and way nicer to me than they ever pretended to be in the hallways back in our teens. Oh . . . and they’ll say “forever” a lot.
Somehow I’m still not convinced it’s a good idea. I’d like to phone a friend.
Have you attended any of your high school reunions? What did you think of the experience?
AGAIN?!!!
Another day, another template. I really need to get the redecorating under control.