Cats Don’t Poop on Command
My cats are adorable, affectionate, playful, entertaining . . . and not at all obedient.
It’s difficult trying to explain to a cat why I do not want her accustomed to sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. Or why I don’t like her on the counter “helping” the Captain prepare dinner. Or why climbing the curtains is a very, very bad idea.
So you can imagine how successful I was at getting Bella to produce a stool sample for me previous to her vet appointment on Friday.
I honestly didn’t think it would be so hard. Usually, as soon as I clean the litter box, Bella jumps in to make it dirty again. I expected her to follow this routine Friday, but she decided to sniff and dig without leaving me the sample I needed.
As befits anyone with a college degree and a decent level of intelligence, I consulted the cat on the matter as if that was the key to making progress, “Bella, we’re going to the vet this morning. I need you to poop. Go poop for Mama.”
She laid at my feet and rolled around on her back.
“Yes, you’re very cute. Go poop in your box, please.”
She batted at my shoe.
Over the next two hours, every time the cat ventured near the litter box I’d cajole, “Good girl, Bella. Good girl. Go poop for me.”
Not only did she decline to grant this simple request, but she also found it necessary to reply to my sigh of defeat by looking at me with the large, innocent kitty eyes that say, “I understand every word you’re saying . . . but you’ll never prove it.”
Memoir, Abridged
If you’ve known me for any length of time, you are probably aware that I’m not one to embrace memes (that’s a hint never to tag me unless you enjoy being disappointed). However, there are exceptions to every rule. In this case, I found the Six-Word Memoir Meme (which I discovered over at A Curious State of Affairs . . .) too thought-provoking and fun to skip.
The inspiration for the meme came from the book Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Famous and Obscure Writers, which in turn was based on an anecdote that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in just six words. His memoir was reduced to: For Sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Tending to be wordy myself, compressing my whole life into such a short span seems a worthy challenge.
Now, if you’re a regular reader of TouchedByMadness (or its previous incarnations), you’ve read many of my memoirs already and have most likely realized that if no one else, I amuse myself.
So, as the animated storyteller who may never truly convey to her audience the vibrance and hilarity of each tale, I think my life is best summed up with:
Yeahhhhh . . . you had to be there.
If you want to play too, here’s what to do:
1. Write your own six-word memoir.
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
4. Tag five more blogs with links. (If you must.)
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
The Key to Winning Any Argument
No matter how friendly and easy-going you are, at some point in your life you are going to be involved in an argument. Probably lots of them. If it’s inevitable that you must face such unpleasantness as an argument, you might as well know the trick to ensure you win every time.
For a long while I was inclined to believe the widely acknowledged tenet “He who is loudest is right.” But just weeks ago I had an epiphany, and I am certain I have discovered an even more effective strategy.
At the time I was struck by the revelation I am about to share with you, I had just overheard the following conversation:
Adult 1: Hey, can you come here a minute?
Adult 2: Hay is for horses.
I was immediately transported to my childhood and the sing-song response:
Hay is for horses,
Sometimes for cows.
Pigs would it eat it, but they don’t know how.
It was always a well-loved retort, despite the fact that the declaration is completely ridiculous.
“Pigs would eat it, but they don’t know how? Come on. That’s stupid.”
“Nuh uh. It rhymes.”
That’s when it hit me - the key to winning any argument no matter the topic, importance, or opponent - rhyming.
Think about it. The rhyming words help validate your statement. These ideas fit together so well, they actually rhyme! How can you go wrong?
Sure, it may sound juvenile to reply to “What?!” with “Chicken butt,” but think of how effective it is. Odds are the other party’s train of thought will be completely derailed and that person will be unable to formulate a timely response. You now have the upper hand and, if you delivered your line with enough conviction and finality, the win.
I am totally confident that rhyming is the key to winning any argument. You may doubt me, but I assure you that monumental conflicts have been decided by nothing more than a pithy rhyme. So before you go denouncing my methodology as childish and asinine, reflect on this famous argument: “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
Check, and mate.