Desperate to Be on TV?
I remember that as a teenager I thought the lowest form of self-debasement was putting on a chicken suit and dancing outside a dry cleaners to help increase business. (It wasn’t until I became a school mascot for a night that I realized that no one knows who’s actually in the costume, so your dignity isn’t really compromised.)
Nowadays, I flinch the same way whenever I see the Valtrex chick. I couldn’t say how lucrative a business starring in those commercials might be, but I doubt it’s enough money to be forever thereafter known as the “herpes girl.” I mean, even if you actually HAVE herpes, do you really want the whole world to know about it?
Remember the Noxema girl? Me neither. But I heard that she was insanely popular after she did those commercials. People would recognize her everywhere. I don’t think I’d want to be recognized if I were the Valtrex chick. Can you imagine trying to eat at a nice restaurant when all of a sudden someone says (much too loudly), “Oh my God! It’s the Valtrex girl!” And then some guy runs over to tell you how much your product has changed his life and how he hasn’t had an outbreak in ages and how his genitals thank you, and could you maybe autograph his wanker?
Yeah, I don’t need that.
And I imagine dating might be awkward . . .
Anyway, what if the people that star in these commercials are trying to become serious actors in big blockbuster films? Don’t they ever wonder if their participation in those ad campaigns could hurt their chances of getting a much coveted role later?
Well, thank you very much for coming in today. We’ll call you.
Wait a minute, that’s it? I’m perfect for this role! Perfect!
Yes, you did read very well for it, it’s just that –
What?
You see, 007 does not have ED.
Neither do I! It was just a commercial I did to keep from starving when I came out to this town. Surely you can understand that.
No. Now, if it were syphilis or gonorrhea, we might be able to work with you . . .
I do not have erectile dysfunction!
Great. That’s great. Er . . . thanks for coming in. We’ll call you.
Why don’t these companies spare desperate souls the aftermath of being the Enzyte spokesperson and use animated characters instead? Look at Zoloft. With all the depressed people in the world, Zoloft chose to use those rocks or circles or whatever they’re supposed to be. Why can’t other companies use sad little shapes too? Levitra or Viagra or Cialis could, of course, use squares (wouldn’t YOU buy their medication if you thought you were a square?) And Valtrex commercials could be populated by . . . maybe trapezoids. No, a rhombus. Yes, a rhombus sounds like a shape that might have an STD.
That’s right, poor budding actors with no judgment or vision — just say NO to pharmaceuticals.
You can thank me later.