Winter Wardrobe Wonderland
As in, “I wonder what they were thinking.”
Long ago I learned to accept that women’s apparel is neither sensible nor functional. Secretly, I believe that these clothes are designed by men who continually come up with more and more ridiculous garments in the hopes that ladies everywhere will reach the peak of their frustration and swear off clothing altogether.
There is no other way to explain the single most idiotic piece of clothing I have ever experienced the misfortune of trying on. We’re talking stupider than guachos. More pointless than crotchless underpants.
The midriff sweater.
What genius came up with this concept? A sweater that barely grazes the navel.
Women don’t wear itchy, bulky sweaters because we think we look sexy. We wear them because we’re cold! For example, I sleep with a sheet, two blankets, two afghans, a comforter, and the hide of a wooly mammoth on me, and still I’ll shiver. I’m cold. Women are always cold. That’s why men think fireplaces are romantic. They create fires to get their women warm . . . so they’ll take their clothes off.
How am I supposed to stay toasty and snug in a garment that covers only half of my torso? Midriffs are fine in the summer when, realistically, clothing should be optional, but unless you’re an Arctic hooker, there is no feasible reason for wearing half a sweater. Honestly, what excuse could you devise?
“I’m too ticklish to wear wool on my abdominal area.”
“My navel ring snags the knitting.”
“My grandma ran out of yarn.”
What’s worse is that if you’ve ever forgotten to rescue a sweater from the wash before it wound up in the dryer . . . well, you now know how Shrinky Dinks work.
So, imagine that you actually own one of these midriff sweaters and your significant other, in a moment of selfless devotion, does your laundry for you. If you can manage to stretch the Barbie-sized garment enough to get it over your head after you extract it from the lint trap, you’ll find that it barely covers your nipples. You are now the proud owner of a wooly demi bra . . . with three-quarter length sleeves.