TouchedByMadness

In Remembrance of Presents Past

‘Twas the night before Christmas break, when all through the place
Every employee spread cheer with a smile on her face
The timeclock was watched by the workers with care
In hopes that closing time soon would be near.

With two hours to go they were popping their meds
While visions of Jack Daniel’s danced in their heads.
And I and my colleague (poster child for Gap)
Had just settled down for an eyes-open nap.

When what should deter me from the promise of slumber?
Silver wrapped packages for myself (and the bumbler)!
Away to my present I flew like a flash,
“This gift is from Nordstrom! Damn, she dropped some cash!”

I tore into the package, my eyes all aglow
(Cause presents are the whole point of Christmas, you know)
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
The terror! The horror! Good God, my worst fear!

I knew that this gift-giver thought she was slick
Buying me crap in the name of Saint Nick.
More rapid than eagles the curses they came
And I hollered and shouted, knowing I was to blame.

“Damn karma! Oh irony! That’s just my luck!
I guess that will teach me to promote presents that suck.
At the top of my game, I thought I knew it all.
Now my hope’s dashed away. How the mighty do fall!”

And I sighed in defeat as I wrapped up my box
Containing, of course, new wine-hued slipper socks.

A Guide to Christmas Shopping

I have a real problem with Christmas wishlists. If you hint to me that you want the sweater in the JCPenney catalog on page 157 in teal (especially if this “hint” is reinforced with a dog-eared page with items circled), guess what? You’re not getting that sweater. Why? Because it takes all the fun out of it. Where’s the surprise?

For someone who loathes shopping of any sort, especially around the Christmas season, you would think the Christmas list is a blessing. Not so. Buying things off a Christmas list makes me your personal shopper and thereby thwarts my creative efforts to purchase the first clearance item I find that you may not completely hate. Please, allow me to be thoughtful.

I understand that Christmas lists are a safety net for the many people that have difficulty choosing gifts. Well, you’re in luck. Today I’m going to teach you some of the finer points of Christmas shopping:

1. Never buy what a person wants. Odds are that some kiss-ass has already purchased and wrapped it, anyway. You can avoid the awkwardness of identical gifts by buying something truly unique that no one else would think to purchase. This year, give the gift of sea monkeys.

2. Get them something that they’d never buy for themselves. We all know how selfless and generous people are. Most of us would never treat ourselves to guilty pleasures. So go on, get your girlfriend that Nair lotion that you just know she’s been dying to try. I promise you, she’ll never forget it.

3. Buy something you secretly want. The benefits are obvious. If your recipient hates it, you can offer to keep it. “What, Grandma? You didn’t want a Wii? Oops, my bad!”

4. Nothing beats a homemade gift. Here’s one of my favorites — get an empty box and wrap it. Tell the recipient you bought them an imaginary friend on eBay. Not only is it the gift that keeps on giving, but everyone will be awed by your creativity. (I’ve actually done this and my friend actually loved it.)

5. When in doubt, buy slipper socks. Who doesn’t love slipper socks? If you can find a pair with pom-poms or jingle bells on them, even better.

Alright, readers, you are now ready to get out there and properly repay Aunt Lorna for giving you dish towels for your birthday and your mother for buying you Christmas decorations last year because she says you’re a Scrooge. Happy shopping!

On Acquiring a Defective Superpower

Ok, I’ll admit it. When I was a child, I wanted to be a superhero just like any other little kid. I ran around the playground imagining I had super speed, tried to melt the nuns with my lukewarm heat vision, and attempted to take flight by jumping off my bed in my Wonder Woman underoos.

But that was then. This is now.

I’m no longer interested in being invisible, possessing super strength, climbing vertical surfaces, leaping over tall buildings in a single bound, morphing into threatening animals, or shooting ice, fire, or lightning bolts. I’ve given up my desire for these abilities because as an adult I am terrified of acquiring a defective superpower.

I mean, think about Achilles. The ancient Greeks practically invented superheroes, and they didn’t get it right. Achilles was supposed to be immortal, invincible. So you know he was strutting all around town talking smack about people because, really, what were they going to do about it?

And then one day, after Achilles defeats the greatest warriors and demigods around, single-handedly scares an entire army behind its city walls, and demonstrates himself to be the MVP of the Trojan War, BAM! he gets an arrow to the heel and that’s the end of him.

Completely invincible except for a heel?! What is that?!!!

It makes you wonder what sort of glitches could turn up in modern day superpowers. What if I were flying a la Superman and my cell phone rings and scrambles my navigation system and I crash? Or what if I can climb up the side of a building, but have to take the elevator down? What if I extend my limbs out all elastic-like, but it leaves stretch marks? What if the animal I transform into has rabies? What if my X-ray vision gives me cancer?

What then?

Let’s be serious here. If you’re dealt a defective superpower, there’s nothing you can do about it. And where’s the justice in that?