In Remembrance of Presents Past
‘Twas the night before Christmas break, when all through the place
Every employee spread cheer with a smile on her face
The timeclock was watched by the workers with care
In hopes that closing time soon would be near.
With two hours to go they were popping their meds
While visions of Jack Daniel’s danced in their heads.
And I and my colleague (poster child for Gap)
Had just settled down for an eyes-open nap.
When what should deter me from the promise of slumber?
Silver wrapped packages for myself (and the bumbler)!
Away to my present I flew like a flash,
“This gift is from Nordstrom! Damn, she dropped some cash!”
I tore into the package, my eyes all aglow
(Cause presents are the whole point of Christmas, you know)
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
The terror! The horror! Good God, my worst fear!
I knew that this gift-giver thought she was slick
Buying me crap in the name of Saint Nick.
More rapid than eagles the curses they came
And I hollered and shouted, knowing I was to blame.
“Damn karma! Oh irony! That’s just my luck!
I guess that will teach me to promote presents that suck.
At the top of my game, I thought I knew it all.
Now my hope’s dashed away. How the mighty do fall!”
And I sighed in defeat as I wrapped up my box
Containing, of course, new wine-hued slipper socks.