A Guide to Christmas Shopping
I have a real problem with Christmas wishlists. If you hint to me that you want the sweater in the JCPenney catalog on page 157 in teal (especially if this “hint” is reinforced with a dog-eared page with items circled), guess what? You’re not getting that sweater. Why? Because it takes all the fun out of it. Where’s the surprise?
For someone who loathes shopping of any sort, especially around the Christmas season, you would think the Christmas list is a blessing. Not so. Buying things off a Christmas list makes me your personal shopper and thereby thwarts my creative efforts to purchase the first clearance item I find that you may not completely hate. Please, allow me to be thoughtful.
I understand that Christmas lists are a safety net for the many people that have difficulty choosing gifts. Well, you’re in luck. Today I’m going to teach you some of the finer points of Christmas shopping:
1. Never buy what a person wants. Odds are that some kiss-ass has already purchased and wrapped it, anyway. You can avoid the awkwardness of identical gifts by buying something truly unique that no one else would think to purchase. This year, give the gift of sea monkeys.
2. Get them something that they’d never buy for themselves. We all know how selfless and generous people are. Most of us would never treat ourselves to guilty pleasures. So go on, get your girlfriend that Nair lotion that you just know she’s been dying to try. I promise you, she’ll never forget it.
3. Buy something you secretly want. The benefits are obvious. If your recipient hates it, you can offer to keep it. “What, Grandma? You didn’t want a Wii? Oops, my bad!”
4. Nothing beats a homemade gift. Here’s one of my favorites — get an empty box and wrap it. Tell the recipient you bought them an imaginary friend on eBay. Not only is it the gift that keeps on giving, but everyone will be awed by your creativity. (I’ve actually done this and my friend actually loved it.)
5. When in doubt, buy slipper socks. Who doesn’t love slipper socks? If you can find a pair with pom-poms or jingle bells on them, even better.
Alright, readers, you are now ready to get out there and properly repay Aunt Lorna for giving you dish towels for your birthday and your mother for buying you Christmas decorations last year because she says you’re a Scrooge. Happy shopping!