On Acquiring a Defective Superpower
Ok, I’ll admit it. When I was a child, I wanted to be a superhero just like any other little kid. I ran around the playground imagining I had super speed, tried to melt the nuns with my lukewarm heat vision, and attempted to take flight by jumping off my bed in my Wonder Woman underoos.
But that was then. This is now.
I’m no longer interested in being invisible, possessing super strength, climbing vertical surfaces, leaping over tall buildings in a single bound, morphing into threatening animals, or shooting ice, fire, or lightning bolts. I’ve given up my desire for these abilities because as an adult I am terrified of acquiring a defective superpower.
I mean, think about Achilles. The ancient Greeks practically invented superheroes, and they didn’t get it right. Achilles was supposed to be immortal, invincible. So you know he was strutting all around town talking smack about people because, really, what were they going to do about it?
And then one day, after Achilles defeats the greatest warriors and demigods around, single-handedly scares an entire army behind its city walls, and demonstrates himself to be the MVP of the Trojan War, BAM! he gets an arrow to the heel and that’s the end of him.
Completely invincible except for a heel?! What is that?!!!
It makes you wonder what sort of glitches could turn up in modern day superpowers. What if I were flying a la Superman and my cell phone rings and scrambles my navigation system and I crash? Or what if I can climb up the side of a building, but have to take the elevator down? What if I extend my limbs out all elastic-like, but it leaves stretch marks? What if the animal I transform into has rabies? What if my X-ray vision gives me cancer?
What then?
Let’s be serious here. If you’re dealt a defective superpower, there’s nothing you can do about it. And where’s the justice in that?