A Perfectly Legitimate Irrational Fear
Every person has his weaknesses and every person has his fears. It’s a fact of life.
I, for example, am afraid of the dark, spiders, Christopher Walken, and Christopher Walken breaking into my apartment in the dark to cover me with large, hairy spiders. Which leads me to my next point — some fears are completely rational while others . . . not so much. For me, it’s those irrational fears which are the most terrifying.
Which means that I know of something more frightening, more horrifying, and more threatening than the dark, spiders, Christopher Walken, or disturbing Christopher Walkenesque stunts. An abomination so freakish that it shakes me to my very core. My most paralyzing irrational fear is of . . .
outtie belly buttons.
Sure, you may read this and laugh. You might comment that I’m completely insane. You may mock me behind my back. But I know that secretly your stomach is tying in knots (no pun intended) at the thought of outtie belly buttons. I am sure that more people are weirded out by them than anyone is willing to admit. To those burdened with the weight of their hidden fear, I reach out to you. You have a voice. Don’t be ashamed. You can be honest with us here. I know you’re out there. Because, really, if I were the only one, why aren’t all the famous swimsuit models outties?
To my readers who might happen to have outtie belly buttons — I apologize that I find you freakish and grotesque, but it is no more my fault that I possess this fear than it is my fault that your mother’s obstetrician was lazy and inept.
I never realized how acutely this fear affects my daily life until I saw a picture of a pregnant woman’s bare belly in a magazine one weekend.
“Oh my God!” I shrieked in abject horror.
“What?!” my boyfriend asked, running to my aid.
I looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes and fought back tears. “One day, when I decide to have children . . . when you’re almost ready to deliver . . . it . . . your . . .” I tried to collect my thoughts and be strong. “My belly button will pop up like a turkey timer. I’ll be . . . an outtie,” I gasped.
He shook his head and began to walk away.
“What if it never goes back?!” I called after him. “Will you still love me when I’m a freak? Huh? Will you?!“
Cause, you know, if I were him, that would totally be a dealbreaker.