Mediums: Extra Large Scam
I am more than a little bit embarrassed to admit that people whom I love and respect are interested in the work of mediums.
You read me right — mediums. You know, “I see dead people.” These folks use their (cough, cough) talents to communicate with family and friends on the “Other Side,” helping you through the grieving process . . . for a nominal fee.
Now, I don’t pretend to be any sort of expert in the paranormal sciences, but let’s examine the facts, shall we? A medium claims to be able to communicate with the dead. Souls, spirits, ghosts or what have you, we’re talking about entities unseen and unheard. So a medium speaks to another person that she expects you to believe is there even though you can’t see him. Where I come from, that’s called an “invisible friend.”
I mean, if I were visiting you right now and you were serving dessert and I said, “Excuse me, Fred right here . . . right here next to me . . . What do you mean you can’t see him? One of your chakras must be blocked or something . . . Anyway, Fred here would also like a piece of cake,” not only would you NOT pay me to ask Fred what really happened to your neighbor’s cat or give me my own television show on the Sci-Fi Channel, but I bet you wouldn’t give me, I mean Fred, that piece of cake either. Which wouldn’t actually bother me so much because, honestly, I don’t like cake. Unless we’re talking ice cream cake, in which case I would be sorely disappointed. I mean Fred would. Anyhow, you wouldn’t do those things, yet every day people toss away good money to find out if dearly departed Uncle Rufus is the afterlife of the party.
Look, I’ll even be open-minded enough to consider the possibility that mediums really can communicate with those who have passed. But if they can talk to dead people, why can’t you? Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps the reason you haven’t received any messages from great Aunt Mildred is because she doesn’t want to talk to you?
So what do you do? You run to the nearest psychic with a direct line to the Other Side to check up on old Auntie. He pockets your life savings and tells you that Aunt Mildred says she loves you very much and that her passing was painless and peaceful when, in reality, if she’s saying anything it’s more likely to be, “You spent the entire inheritance on this joker so he could disturb me from my pinochle game with the Rat Pack? I always knew you were a dumbass.”
Wait a minute . . . I’m sensing a presence . . . right here in this room. It’s . . . I believe it’s a childhood pet that belonged to one of you readers. Yes, it’s a . . . a dog. He has four legs, a cold wet nose and . . . he’s wearing . . . a collar. He’s wagging his tail at you. He says he misses you very much and that he always loved you best. And . . . wait . . . what’s that? And send all of your money to Stacey. Cash only.
Oh, and cake. He definitely asked for cake.