From Your “Valued Customer”
Dear unfortunate Customer Service Representative,
Yes, it’s me again. I realize that not long ago I derided you for your failure to deliver a single magazine to my door in the last five months, but I promise to be more patient and understanding this time.
A careful check of my calendar shows me that today is the 2nd of September. An equally careful consultation with your “subscription status” link tells me that my account is paid in full and active. For weeks now, I have noticed the pretty pink covers of your recent issue beckoning me from the magazine racks of every checkout lane I’ve been through.
“Buy me!” your cover model purrs. “Take me home with you.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t pick up magazines from seedy discount stores anymore,” I tell her, feeling awkward. “They get delivered right to my home.”
In your infinite wisdom, Customer Service Representative, can you surmise what my unreasonable and belligerent complaint is this week?
Now, I tried to give your company the benefit of the doubt. I thought to myself, Stacey, I’m sure you rushed to send in your dandy little postcard without bothering to take the painstaking care necessary to write your address down correctly. It’s an easy mistake, after all. I cannot tell you how often I wander aimlessly around the neighborhood, unable to find my house because my address is too difficult to recall accurately.
I was prepared to accept that someone else is enjoying my subscription at my expense, when I had to take pause to congratulate you on your ability to promptly and efficiently fill my mailbox at my address with invoices. Those silly magazines just can’t find their way to my door, but your second and third notices weren’t tripped up at all! I even got that nasty letter about how I had ruined my credit-standing with your prestigious company (after I had already paid in full, of course). I want you to know that I understand your disdain. Clearly I was ripping you off, refusing to pay for a magazine I was not receiving. But I am certain that my check was simply having as much difficulty finding your billing department as your magazine has had locating my mailbox.
Perhaps I am being unfair, Customer Service Representative. Maybe you are dispatching your latest issues in a timely fashion and they happen to disappear upon arrival at their destination. Whenever I am home, I run down to the mailbox shortly after the carrier leaves, hoping to thwart any attempt of horny teenagers trying to pilfer my issue with the hope that you’ve included spicy sex tips on page 104.
I haven’t yet spotted any delinquents fingering the postbox flag and waiting for the mail truck but, just in case, I’d like you to begin disguising my magazines as issues of Fortune. My landlord subscribes to this periodical, and it has never gone astray.
I thank you for your time, Customer Service Representative. I’m sure we’ll do this again real soon.
Sincerely,
Stacey